PERSPECTIVE

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Those of us whose lives have been marred by sexual trauma face challenges that many in the population simply cannot comprehend ~ the worst in my mind being the corrosive shame we suffer because of the evil actions of our perpetrators.  The words If only are haunting words and can lead to feelings of loss and regret. Nevertheless, if suffering is our best teacher and I maintain that it is, how can we then reframe our pain in such a way that we become more large spitted as a result?  This poem is an effort on my part to avoid self pity ~ an emotion I can easily slip into.  By putting my own experience in a larger context,  I hope to become a greater spiritual force for good in a world torn apart by human suffering..

PERSPECTIVE

When I awoke today
there was a thin pinkish orange strip of magic hovering across the morning sky
and for a moment I was completely lost in the beauty of the world
and the blessed blessedness of my privileged life.
I looked at my pup Fulton and tried to explain how fortunate we are.
You, I said as he wagged his tail in anticipation of a treat,
you could have been a mutt on a street in Calcutta: alone and hungry.
And I ~ well I,  God help me, I could have been a Syrian mother  
reliving the never ending day she knelt in ashes holding her dying baby.
But instead ~ here we are literally living a dream
where nightmares are fewer and farther between.
But this other world is the larger world we live in
where joy and pain and loss and gain
coincide at every turn.
How to respond to this inexplicable randomness?
Surely, we must fiercely love each other ~ nothing less.

 

THE MASKS WE WEAR

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A couple years ago, I read an extraordinary article in The New Yorker by Juno Diaz chronocling the painful ramificaations of sexual trauma. The Pulitzer Prize winning author is a survivor of childhood sexual abuse and one of the things he wote about was the need to wear a mask to cover his pain and shame (a need I think most survivors identify with). This poem was inspired by that article.

THE MASKS WE WEAR

The Oxford dictionary defines mask as: "A covering for all or part of the face,
worn as a disguise."

Some masks are frivolity and fun ~ think Mardi Gras for one.

But for a universe of other others
masks are worn as prosthetics for survival
not charming ornamentations for celebrations.

Carefully crafted
coverings concealing shame
disguises hiding deep seeded pain
splendid rebuttals to muffled cries
desperate deceits ~ blessed lies.

They serve us well.

And yet ~ since "The truth shall make you free",
we who wear them to hide our haunted humanity
are prisoners.

Only by dropping our well worn masks
revealing the degrading darkness of hell
can we hope to finally finally bask
in the life giving light outside our cell.

ME TOO WHO

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With tho onslaught of news regarding sexual abuse, assault, and harassment, I find myself bouncing between three strong emotions:

(1)  gratitude that victims are speaking out and being believed

(2)  sadness that this acknowledgement does not end the deep pain survivors are left with regardless of media coverage.

(3)  grief that countless  victims of sexual trauma continue to suffer in silence.

You Are Not Alone (6 weeks of healing conversation) won't end the pain,           but it will help lessen it ~

http://www.youcanhelpsurvivors.com/you-are-not-alone/

_____________________________

And though we are all grateful for the Me Too and Times' Up Movements, let's not forget that the antiquated taboo surrounding sexual abuse still continues to silence countless victims and let’s work together to lift each other up and break this dangerous taboo.

ME TOO WHO

How can it be a little lass of nine
Should feel such guilt and fear the threat of hell?
Too young to name her cruelty a crime
Too damaged and coerced to ever tell.

Me too
Time’s up
So what
Shut up

Rosy cheeked girl who works to find a way
For her sweet child to have a better life
Could not afford to lose her job that day
Besides her mother’s cousin is his wife.

Me too
Time’s up
So what
Shut up


The bashful boy with pimples on his face
Could run like lightening so his coach did say
This dear one’s "yes sir" followed every race
With sleepless nights and silent tears by day.


Me too
Time’s up
So what
Shut up


Will justice for the few forever reign
While numberless nameless know untold pain?

 

 

 

Let us not tire...

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Lest anyone be fooled by the recent onslaught of sexual misconduct stories, the taboo ~ the one that silenced the victims who are now coming forward ~ though challenged is unfortunately still very much alive and well. I wish it were otherwise. However, in the last decade, I have witnessed other unsavory revelations grab the media’s attention and shock the nation. And each time those of us who have been sexually traumatized have breathed a collective sigh of relief hoping that at last the secrecy and shaming that has crippled so many victims’ lives will no longer be tolerated. But sadly such times are short lived and fade as other sensational stories surface. Our attention span is short and we move seamlessly from sexual crimes to the many other injustices that plague our society, often without looking back. Remember Jerry Sandusky, the Catholic Priests whose crimes became public knowledge, the scandals within the military showing widespread assault of both female and male service members, and the Bill Cosby fiasco? And did you know the first sexual harassment suit was filed (and won) in 1975?

The election of Donald Trump exposed many upsetting things about our nation. Certainly, one of the most troubling is the number of our fellow Americans who are obviously okay with having the most important leadership position in our country occupied by a a man whose egregious sexual misconduct and open admission of misogyny is a simple fact. What, in God's name, are we teaching our children?

So let us not tire. Let us continue to stand up for the rights of all people to be treated with dignity and respect. And when our sisters and brothers are not afforded the decency they deserve, let us speak out ~ long after the Harvey Weinsteins of today have become footnotes in the history of human rights violations.

Anna's Story ~ Me too

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My friend Anna bravely posted this beautiful and poignant account on face book.  With her permission, I am sharing it today. Together ~ story by story ~ we are healing our lives...

"I lost my virginity to date rape at 15. A few years later memories began resurfacing of being sexually assaulted in daycare by a woman who was in charge of caring for me. I’ve fought off more than one should have to of unwanted encounters and I know way to many other women and men who have experienced similar misfortunes. It’s heartbreaking and upsetting and the repercussions from these experiences run so much deeper than one can imagine.

But moving on to the healing process. A few months back I had a major breakthrough. I thought I had moved on from all the trauma but what I had done was just bury it, avoid it. It was still there though eating away at me from inside. I didn’t even realize how strong of a hold it had on me until I released it, and this release was completely unplanned. I didn’t even realize I needed it until my lovely friend, Rebecca Beers Street wrote a book on the topic called “You Can Help: A Guide for Family and Friends of Survivors of Sexual Abuse and Assault.”

I didn’t accept the help easily though. I had no desire of revisiting that pain that I thought I had come to terms with. The unsettling feelings began stirring in me when I was invited to her book release launch. I became “sick” and was unable to attend. The emotional pain that was resurfacing began taking on physical manifestations. She gifted me with a copy of her book and I never found the time to read it.

Finally after an evening out with her when once again I had to admit I hadn’t been able to “find the time” to read her book I decided I couldn’t face her again until I did. That night I went home and began reading, and sobbing, and reading, and sobbing, until I felt the darkness that I had been unintentionally holding on to begin to loosen it’s grasp from my body. I felt as if I was purging from this deep pain. I had read many self help books in the past trying to come to terms with things. I had seen many therapists. I think so often we feel alone with our pain but through reading the stories of others that she shares in this book I began to not feel alone with my pain and the healing began. Hopefully all of our me too’s will help any others who are still suffering from this begin moving forward and healing. My love to you all on this journey."

 

You Are Not Alone

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Dear Fellow Survivors,

As we seek to make sense of our lives in the aftermath of sexual trauma, many of us find ourselves feeling alone. The road to recovery is difficult and it's easy to become discouraged, even hopeless.  And yet, my own experience as an incest survivor and my decade long research on sexual trauma have convinced me that the human spirit is unlimited in its ability to heal itself.  To that end,  I am pleased to introduce YOU ARE NOT ALONE, a six week online program offered freely to survivors.

The thrust of my advocacy work thus far has been to reach out to family and friends of survivors and to encourage them to participate in the healing process.  I have experienced so much support for my book, YOU CAN HELP, and am grateful to all the loved ones who have stepped up to the plate. The response from both family and friends as well as survivors themselves has given my life a deeper sense of meaning and purpose.

Nevertheless, this new endeavor born of a determination to share hope directly with my sisters and brothers who have suffered as I have the shame and pain of sexual trauma has been even more rewarding. 

YOU ARE NOT ALONE: Six Weeks of Healing Conversation with Rebecca Street is dedicated to helping survivors fully embrace life with joy and gratitude by providing concrete tools for recovery. I hope you'll join me.

http://www.youcanhelpsurvivors.com/you-are-not-alone

Courage

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It took me over a decade to write You Can Help. Much of that time was spent researching and interviewing a wide range of survivors who had experienced either sexual abuse or assault or both. It was often very difficult to read these personal stories as each one, regardless of circumstances, is horrendous in its own way.

Despite of all they had lost, these brave women and men were willing to disclose the most hurtful, private part of their lives with a stranger in the service of helping others.  The motivation for their generosity is that they all wished to share how they were helped in recovery so that loved ones would be empowered to help other victims ~ profound examples of the second commandment:  love your neighbor as yourself.

Quite unexpectedly, it was through their courageous stories that I came to a certain pride in being part of a club we would all give almost anything not to be a part of. Accounts of lives riddled with pain and despair gradually being transformed through hard work and the help of loved ones filled my in inbox.  And though for most, the symptoms of the trauma continue at times to disrupt, the scales are clearly weighted on the side of wholeness rather than brokenness.

This is good news for victims of sexual crimes.  It is clear evidence that none of us has to be defined by our losses, no matter how grievous they are.  It is also good news for all those on the sidelines who have witnessed the ramifications of these crimes on the lives of their loved ones. Because the bottom line is that healing is indeed possible and that the more social support the victims receive the better their chances are to join the ranks of overcomers. 

There are so many inspiring survivor stories about COURAGE and I welcome yours.

 

Trash to Triumph

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In the landfill town of Cateura, Paraguay, there is garbage everywhere and in fact that is the main source of income for its residents: recycling trash.  Until recently, this poverty stricken community was unknown to the world. However, in 2006 something amazing happened.  A children’s orchestra, with instruments made exclusively out of trash, was formed.

In time, the choir has become an example of triumph over adversity, performing all over the world, resulting in scholarships, reducing addictions, and inspiring other impoverished areas to follow suit.

What in the world, you may ask, does this have to do with sexual trauma?  The answer is simple: countless survivors of sexual abuse and assault will tell you (if asked) that the crimes committed against them left them feeling like garbage.  Survivors often and sometimes for long periods of time feel profound shame, suffering from a sense of being dirty and used up. It is no wonder then that The Council for Prostitution Alternatives, Portland, Oregon stated in its annual report that: 85% of prostitutes reported history of sexual abuse in childhood; 70% reported incest. Furthermore, compared to non-victims of crimes, rape victims are 13.4 times more likely to have major alcohol problems and twenty-six times more likely to have drug abuse problems.

Arguably these behaviors are a logical response to feeling like garbage.

 So the challenge then is how to help a human being who was robbed of worth believe in the inherent possibilities of transformation. If actual trash can be recycled to make beautiful music, surely the soul can find its true home in the knowledge of its essential purity.  Many survivors are heroically engaged in this pursuit.  We must not give up. YOU CAN HELP.